How Do You Survive an LDR?

People used to believe strongly that long distance relationships, or LDRs, never work. But in today's world, people's perception on this has changed just a bit. Mostly due to the connectivity options presented to you on the various websites out there. 
To get a better understanding of what I mean by connectivity, you know all those dating website commercials on TV with the catchy jingle or slogan? With the amount of websites available to all demographics, it changes our perception on the strength of LDRs. There's standard websites out there such as zoosk.com, match.com, eharmony.com. And there's those demographic websites such as farmersonly.com (You don't have to be lonely here!), blackpeoplemeet.com, etc. Of course, most of the time the websites are there for people who do not feel comfortable in a social environment (like me!), and there is not much long distance going on. But the one thing all of these websites have in common, is that they connect distant people online. Isn't that the basis of long distance relationships? Unless you know how to teleport, you meet your significant other for the first time online; whether you are on farmersonly.com to meet that handsome cowboy hunk a few miles away, or you are on eharmony.com to meet the sexy Brazilian author. But why am I mentioning all this? No, it's not to sell you the products on those websites. It's to give you an understanding of how long distance relationships have changed throughout time. 
It is thanks to these dating websites, that long distance relationships no longer have such a bad connotation of failure.

Of course, this is not to say that all LDRs work. Like standard close proximity relationships, LDRs can fail. It is how you handle the situations that determine whether or not it will fail. And some people do still believe that LDRs are doomed to failure, and that is perfectly understandable. Some people cannot imagine living over a thousand miles away from their significant other with the relationship surviving. And that brings me to the first point: trust. 

Trust: reliance on the integrity, strength, and ability, of a person or thing.

Trust is a common issue even with normal relationships, with common worries such as is she cheating? Why did he come home late last night? Did he just eyeball her boobs? She sure hangs out with her old classmate a lot... these worries are trust are amplified in long distance relationships. Not only are they always away from you, but they may also be in a totally different time zone. So while you are sleeping soundly, he or she may be having some afternoon fun with their neighbor. And it is unfortunate to say that this can occur in not just LDRs but regular relationships. In my opinion, trust is the number one factor that is important in ANY relationship. But this blog website is about LDRs, so that is what we will focus on. You must have trust in your significant other. Now before you bite my booty, yes, I know that is REALLY difficult. With them living so far away, it is hard NOT to have trust issues. And when you happen to meet your loved one on, say, eharmony.com, you have no idea who is behind the screen. A regular man? A fifteen-year-old girl? An 84-year-old pervert? It is hard to tell. This is why I emphasize that you videochat them. No, not post a video on YouTube saying it is you, because anybody can do that. I mean videochat as in, FaceTime or Skype. Skype is free to sign up, and FaceTime comes with smartphones with a front-facing camera.(I know iOS for sure has FaceTime, I do not know about Android) When the person refuses to videochat, alarm bells should go off in your head. You do not want to be catfished. 

Catfish: a person who assumes a false identity or personality on the Internet, especially on social-media websites, as to deceive,manipulate, or swindle.

Catfishing is a whole other beast I might later on tackle in another post. It is important to prevent being hooked, and videochatting is the best way to do this. Of course, that is not to say that people may still fabricate themselves when you videochat. They may still lie about who they are. They could be a nice, sweet, young man who is attending a big university but deep down have a passion for murdering. When you videochat, it is a good idea to get connected with their family members. If their parents have any fears or worries about him as a person, that should raise red flags. It will be normal if they have worries about the relationship, as it is long distance, and that is expected to raise eyebrows of skepticism. But connect with their close family and perhaps even do a background check on your significant other. Now for basic trust, such as whether or not they will cheat, can be easily built over time. A good way to start the building of trust is through a friendship. And again, this can be said of any relationship. Let's say you are best friends with Antonio from Chicago, for instance, and you live in Australia. You two have been friends for quite some time now, and if it were not for the distance, you would be inseparable. You both are single, but not actively looking. It is then, when Antonio finally gathers the courage to ask you out on Skype. Admittedly, you have felt the same way about him, but wasn't sure how he would handle the distance. After all, you are almost a day ahead of him, and you worry how the time zone will affect your relationship. Eventually, you accept his offer and you two are coupled. The time zone is a hassle, but you trust him. Why? Because you have been videochatting with him for two years now, and you have met his mom, who is really friendly but extremely busy. 
Trust takes awhile to build, but it can get a head-start if you are well-acquainted with the person. It's unfortunate that most modern relationships are quick to form, and sometimes even casual. But in my opinion, I would rather be in a relationship with a best friend whom I really trust, than a person who I met a month ago and worry he is sleeping with his secretary. 



Dedication is the second most important factor in a LDR. 

Dedication: to devote wholly and earnestly, as to some person or purpose

Now, this does not mean you need to spend 100% of your waking hours talking to them. It just means that you cannot fall to the status of out of sight, out of mind. Taking the Antonio example from earlier, you can't just couple with Antonio and talk to him only once a month and think that is okay. That will cause the trust to collapse too. A long distance relationship is like a tree. The trust are the roots that hold every thing steady, and everything from this point on will be the trunk and branches. Without trust (the roots), the tree will not grow and may eventually fall. I know, we all have jobs, schools, families, and other aspects to worry about. But again, like a standard relationship, you must find a balance between these and your relationship. I know how easy it is to sign up for a connectivity website and then neglect it afterwards. I have personally signed up for websites that would help me find more friends, but have not signed in since the day I created the accounts. In order for the LDR to keep going, you have to stay dedicated to your partner. And this is not just talking about finding time to talk to them. It is also finding time to MEET them. Plane tickets, as we know, are not cheap. If your partner (or you!) does not put time and effort into saving for the next ticket to see you, this should raise tiny flags. Tiny flags, as in, it is not going to be a major deal-breaker in the LDR, but you should inquire as to why they won't save up. Circumstances such as work or finances are valid excuses, for awhile, that is. If you are three years into your relationship with Antonio and he keeps telling you that work is getting in the way with flying to Australia to see you, GIANT red flags should pop up. If you are in a LDR with a partner from another country, and one of you wants to migrate to close the distance, then one of you MUST meet in person. Being in an LDR requires time and devotion to your partner, you can't let the tree shrivel and die. You must water it. Time Zones are a common hassle with LDRs. As mentioned earlier in the Antonio example, you live in Australia. He lives in Chicago. That is easily a 17 hour time difference. So while you are enjoying a nice lunch at Subway, Antonio is still sleeping in to the next day. In my relationship, my fiance is six hours ahead. Time zones can be a hassle with scheduling FaceTime or Skype dates. Which is why you need to find someway to work around it. For instance, perhaps before dinner at 5pm your time, you could call Antonio and wish him a good morning, and teasingly ask what the next day looks like over there. Time zones are not just a hassle apart, either. As you are flying to Chicago for the first time, you will be seventeen hours behind your sleep schedule, and you now understand what it means to be jetlagged. 



Patience
Now, I won't be surprised if half of you read this, and then closed the browser. Most people in this world are pretty impatient, but if you are not, it will not break your LDR. It is also the last important factor I will talk about, because quite frankly, I could write a novel of all the important factors that will help an LDR survive. This is just a composition of the three most important things.

Patience: the quality of being patient, as the bearing of provocation, annoyance,misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like.

You read that definition, and it screams YOU. You scroll down and think, "Alice is a nutjob if she ever thinks I will be patient. There is no way I can handle waiting for so long, so I must not be able to handle my long distance relationship!" This is simply not true. While you may be impatient, it is not the most important factor for the survival of your LDR. The reason why dedication comes before patience, is that in order to have patience, you must be dedicated. What do I mean by that? Well, say for instance you are extremely impatient. Antonio has yet to come see you, and it's almost two years into your relationship. You tell Antonio that if you and him do not meet in person, you will probably go insane, and maybe even leave him. Antonio reassures you that once he collects another $600 paycheck, he will be able to afford the flight to Australia. While you might have been impatient, Antonio reassured you with his dedication. Impatience will not destroy your LDR if you have dedication. Your partner will be there to support and reassure you, as well. If you really love your partner, you will be able to ignore your impatience to do anything you can to prepare for your (re)union. If you are unable to handle the impatient feelings, then maybe an LDR isn't for you. "But Alice, you said earlier that impatience will not destroy your LDR!"  Yes, I did say that. The general concept that you are impatient won't. Letting it get to you is what will destroy your LDR. It is perfectly natural to be impatient five days before your loved one arrives at the airport in your city. I've felt it! A week before my fiance gets to the airport here, a week has felt like seven months. Throughout time, you will begin to develop an immunity to impatience, and start to see that eventually, you will be together again. As I said, if you are impatient to see him, that is not a red flag in the LDR. But giving in to the impatience will. Have trust and dedication in your partner, and ignoring impatience will be a cinch. 






Those are the top three most important things for a surviving LDR. If you noticed, it is not much different from a normal relationship. The only setback is the distance, which will augment the struggles of these factors. I have omitted from including obvious factors such as unconditional love, care, empathy, etc because while they are important, they are at the top of the tree. I just listed the top three factors that LDRs need to survive. 

For those who are yawning, and/or skipped through all this, here's a brief summary of this article:

TL;DR, In order to survive, long distance relationships must have:

• Trust (so that you have reassurance that he or she only loves and cares about you)
• Dedication (dedication to seeing your relationship through rough times and to eventually close the distance)
• Patience (an established acceptance that while your partner lives far away, you are confident that this is not forever, and that gives you courage)

LDRs are hard, much more difficult than normal relationships. If you are in one, I wish you luck. I also wish You and Antonio luck! ;) If you ever need advice, let me know in the comments below. 

The poorly drawn LDR Survival Tree. Trust is the root of all the important factors, it's the root of the tree and what keeps it alive and strong.