THE BALL STOPPED!!

INCOMING RANT!! May contain swearwords, depending on my thought processes. 

Okay, just when I thought 2018 was starting off on the right foot, the foot misses a step and trips me up. And let me explain why. Do you want to know what my biggest grievance of moving to the UK has been?

• No, it's not culture shock.
• No, it's not occasional homesickness.
• No, it's not the weather.
• No, it's not the strict weapon rules that would put me in jail if I want to defend myself in an attack.
• No, it's not the struggle of deciphering what the hell my shoe size is.
• No, it's not clothes shopping for chunky ol' me. 
• No, it's not feeling out of place.
• No, it's not the fact that I can't get certain foods here.
• No, it's not August 2017. 
• No, it's not me struggling to find a job.
• No, it's not trying to find a house to live.
• NO, IT'S NOT EVEN THE FUCKING VISA PROCESSES. The spouse visa had nothing on this.

All of these things are just minor things, they are fleeting and barely invoke any major emotions out of me. In fact, things like culture shock, homesickness, and weather - I put those because they are normal complaints of expats moving to the UK. The weather doesn't bother me, I like the rain and coolness. I've only been homesick like twice, and it was fleeting. And culture shock wasn't a thing since I've been here twice before - if anything, it was the time difference that had me jet lagged for a week or two.

So what has me in a tizzy, you might ask? Well, I'll tell you. But first, let me address some additional issues this poses.

1. It's a unique case - due to my situation, hardly any expats have dealt with this bullshit.
2. Since it's a unique case, finding answers or advice online is next to impossible. I can't even vent on expat blogs because some of them want money from me. Seriously?

But anyway, enough holding off. What is the issue? OPENING A GODDAMN BANK ACCOUNT.

You might think, how the hell is that difficult? All you need is a job and a few documents then you're set. Well, my darling reader, it's not like that for me. Here's the situation:

1. Can't get a bank account without a job.
1. Okay, no biggee. I'll get a job so that I can open a bank account.
2. Alright, job has been landed.
2. Can't work until a bank account has been opened.
1. Understandable. Let me open one real quick so that I can receive income.
3. Bank account requires proof of address, ID, and letter from employer.
1. That's fine! I'll show the banker my passport, the letter from employer, and the letter I received from the Home Office displaying my National Insurance Number.
2. ...Wait...what? The NiNo letter will not work as a proof of address? Despite it displaying my address?! Despite it being from the OFFICIAL GOVERNMENT?!
4. Bank suggests having the homeowner add my name to her bills.
1. I don't have utility bills in my name, and neither does my husband because we live with his mom.  
2. She can add my name to her bills? Okay, let's try that.
3. That didn't work. She seems to be unable to do that.
5. We don't have bills in our name. There are houses available, sure.
1. Problem is, we can't get a place of our own just solely relying on my husband's income. 
2. We probably won't even be able to rent unless I have a bank account, too.

So in short:

• Can't get a bank account without a job.
• Can't work until bank account is open.
• Can't open bank account without proof of address.
• Can't get proof of address without paying our own bills.
• Can't pay bills because I am not earning income yet.
• Can't earn income yet until I open a bank account.

WHAT THE FUCK!!! It's a fucking Catch 22 that seems inescapable. As of right now, there are two options we have from here:

• Either the bank sucks it up and accepts a letter from my employer confirming my address,

OR,

• I join this eBank website called Monese, which caters to people of my situation. It's £5 a month, but it will accept my income and even give me a MasterCard to use.

At this point, we will try the first option first. If it doesn't work, we might try the second one. I've only officially tried Lloyds, but it seems like the other banks are saying the same thing about proof of address. At this point, I'm not sure how I feel about Lloyds. They've been very inconvenient, their online form was very finicky and stubborn, and we can't even get ahold of customer service on the phone because we're just being put on hold. Nobody online seems to have dealt with this situation before, so quite frankly I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go. I'm almost hoping against hope that someone who's been through this will comment and give me an answer, but who the fuck reads these blog entries? I also hoped that, upon exiting the shower, I had received a text from my employer giving me an answer. But nope. I'm grasping at straws now. Monese wants a picture of my passport, which I'm really unsure about doing that for security reasons. But again, I'm grasping at straws. I'll do PayPal or Apple Pay. I'll even do a fucking third party eBank with a monthly fee like Monese if it means receiving my income. I can't move out of my mother-in-law's place until I'm receiving income, but if I can't even do that because of stubborn banks...well, then...I'm stuck here.

I really am stuck. I'm hoping that in the next few days, this will all be resolved. Because that is what has happened when I've written angsty blog entries before. I write an angsty blog entry, and everything gets resolved within the week. But this is a sticky Catch 22 right now. I'm fully positive I'll end up joining Monese in the long run. Because again, since our situation seems to be unique due to the lack of help online, I don't think I will be able to land a high street bank account. Monese seems credible, but if I join it, I sincerely feel like I may as well be doing my shopping at stores called Besco, ASDO, or Hainsbury's. 

So all-in-all, forget culture shock and homesickness. Forget the struggle of finding a job. Forget even the stresses caused by the spouse visa. This caps them all. Gotta cap 'em all, Catch 22!

Ugh, if I'm making jokes like that, it just shows how hopeless and desperate I feel. 

Adulting sucks.

Okay, rant time over. Time to have a cocktail. Or six. 

Can't even find a relevant meme, gif, or image for this topic. Instead, here's a representation of what my brain is doing.